Thursday, June 6, 2013

in sickness and in health.

Mr V and I have known each other since we were kids.  It was on the playground in elementary school when I first fell in love with him.  Not the love we know now, but that little boy made me smile so it must be love, love.  I told my Mom I would marry him that first day I saw those baby blues.  It took us over 20 years to get it right but we did it.  Our wedding was a fairytale.  Perfect day.  We followed it with an amazing honeymoon.  Marrying your best friend is the greatest thing you can do.  He loves me in spite of my bad habits and for my crazy intricacies that no one else thought were cute.  I love him more than he knows.

They never explain what "in sickness and in health" means.  No one tells you that a month after you land back home from your dreamlike honeymoon that you can test that vow.   Finding out he has cancer.  Not knowing what that means.  Months of watching the one you love the most battle a demon.  Not being able to stop the nausea.  The hair that you see on the floor of the bathroom.  His face almost yellow and his eyes a little less blue.

God, I wish it was me.  I can do this.  It would rather fight the battle than to helplessly watch him do it.  He is my world.  I loved him my whole life, even when I didn't know it.  I lived to be with him.  I grew up so it was possible.  Don't take that away from me now.

The day you hear that it is all ending.  Chemo worked.  Thank God the chemo worked.  That demon that he fought is gone.  Physically.  But it isn't.  Unless you have lived it, you don't know.  I don't even understand it most days.  Everything has changed.  Everything is different.  Where do you go from here?  You know deep inside how lucky you are but you want to know why.  Why did this happen? Why are others not as lucky?

Cancer is a bitch. No one tells you about that when you get married.  No one tells you how to handle the world outside when yours is so dark.  When you are talking about radiation, medicine, white blood count, aching limbs.....others are celebrating new life. Babies are being born, wedding bells ring, graduations, birthdays, baptisms.  Your life is hell and others are....happy?  WHY? Why can't I be happy for those people?  They were just so happy for me 4 short months ago when I was married.  I feel like a horrible person.

No one tells you that chemo kills sperm.  Not even when you ask.  Oh, it will lower the count.  It will come back. Mr V asked repeatedly.  Always same answer, it will be fine.  We banked just in case.  We want a family.  We want something positive.   Chemo kills sperm.

Here we are today.  10 months after we began was only 1 month ago that we learned that chemo kills sperm.  IUI cycle #1....unsuccessful.  How do I constantly have to wake up and try to put one foot in front of the other when I just want to lie in bed and cry.  Babies are still being born.  It feels like every single day that people are announcing their good news.  Evey single day I am hurt, angry and confused.  I want to be happy for them.  I really do.  It is so fucking hard.  It has all been so fucking hard.

I want to be that little girl again.  Innocent.  Happy.  Unaffected.

Mr V is the only thing that gets me through it.  Him and those baby blues.

One day.  One day it won't be so fucking hard.